Detecting Driver Behaviour (Subscriber Bonus)

I’ve written here, with an introduction about how in the world of Transactional Analysis, the social messages that we received in childhood are considered to shape a great deal of our personality. These drivers are carried around in our Parent ego state and we respond to them from our Child ego state. You can catch up on the basic Ego state model here.

This post will highlight some of the words, facial expressions and gestures that signal each driver. Of course, this is not an absolute list, but it could help you to identify some of your own drivers and those of others. Stick with observable behaviours though, as you try to decode which drivers are present.

Kahler and Capers devised the following 5 drivers in 1974 and in 2008, Keith Tudor added the 6th one to the list.

1- Please Others:

Words - Says things like “could I…?”, “is that ok?”, “would you mind if…? or “does that make sense?”

Gestures - Head tilted, lots of nodding, smiling (often with eyes closed) reaching out towards others.

Facial cues- Fixed, tense smile, raised eyebrows, looking upwards, horizontally wrinkled forehead.

2- Be Strong:

Words - Doesn't really use feeling words or “I” statements such as “I am anxious” Disconnects from self by saying things like “one should…..” or “people are….” instead of “I am…”. Giving more detail than is necessary, often by numbering points.

Gestures -Tight, upright, rigid posture, with arms and/ or legs crossed.

Facial cues- Can alternate between cold and un-emotive, or warm and caring.

3- Be Perfect-

Words - Lists points in conversation by numbering them e.g., “first off, then secondly….”, uses language that accounts for uncertainty such as “most probably” or “possibly” or can be in strong agreement such as “ yes of course..” or “most definitely …”

Gestures - Counts on fingers, to accompany verbal lists, 1, 2, 3 …., sits upright, scratches head or strokes chin whilst thinking, “steeples” fingers in a V shape whilst speaking.

Facial cues- Looks upwards and to the side, as though trying to find the most perfect thing to say. Serious and perfectly attentive, (often excessively).

4- Hurry Up-

Words - Interrupts or speak over others, speaks quickly, often finishing other people’s sentences for them. Use of language to convey speed, such as “let’s go”, or “quickly”. “hurry up”.

Gestures - Looks at watch/ clock, taps fingers together or their foot to indicate agitation, or fidgets with objects.

Facial cues- Quick glances at things and people, frowning, tense mouth.

5- Try Hard:

Words - Often uses the word “try”, gives more detail than necessary, can go off on tangents. Will say things like “what i’m trying to ….” or “I can’t ….”

Gestures - Leaning forward, rests chin/ cheeks in hands and/ or elbows on knees. Straining to hear or to be understood.

Facial cues- Screwed up face, looking confused. Scrunched up brow, with vertical creases between eyes.

6- Take it:

Words - Says things like “it’s mine”, “I want it now”, or “there is no doubt that….”

Gestures - Arms extended, fingers pointing or fists clenched. Posture square, or one foot in front of the other, ready to move forward or step backwards.

Facial cues- Eyes narrowed, focused forward, but not necessarily on the other person. Persuasive expression full of expectation.

Primary drivers and multiple cues

We will show elements of all 6 drivers, but most of us will have one or two that we show most frequently. And keep in mind that whilst looking out for drivers, it helps to take into consideration the context and various clues, not just one.

Thank your drivers for keeping us safe

It is important to remember that these drivers developed as a way for us to cope with early childhood. They served us well and have helped us reach adulthood, often becoming our greatest strengths. But they can also be barriers for us in later life, if we believe that we will only be OK, if we behave in a way that is driven by our driver behaviour. Therapy is one way of working out how to let go of these, so that they have less impact on our lives, whilst at the same time thanking them for keep us safe, all of this time.

Are there any here that you can identify with ?

Kelly Taylor

References:
Lapworth, P., & Sills, C., (2011) An Introduction of Transactional Analysis, Sage: London