What are strokes? (Subscriber Bonus)

And how do they help us stay in relationship?

It was Dr Eric Berne, a Canadian Psychiatrist that created Transactional Analysis (TA) as a way of explaining human behaviour. He saw TA as a model for human development that was based on interpersonal interactions. He also suggested that human behaviour was determined by various “hungers”, choosing the word “hunger” instead of need, because he believed our survival depended on it.

In Transactional Analysis such hungers can be defined in different ways.

Biological level – hunger for food, stimuli, physical pleasure and stimulation of your senses.

Psychological level – hunger for recognition of who you are and what you do.

Social level- hunger for structure, how your time is structured and which patterns you use to structure time.

As a social species, we need to be in relationship and connected to others, to thrive and survive. Berne defined strokes as “units of recognition” or “any act implying recognition of another’s presence.” He believed that the recognition of others is fundamental for healthy psychological development.

Strokes can be categorised in the following ways-

Conditional- Recognition given for WHAT YOU DO (“You passed that exam, well done”)

Unconditional – Recognition for WHO YOU ARE (“You’re a beautiful human”)

Positive – “You did such a great job there!”

Negative -  “ What you did was awful”

Verbal- Recognition spoken through words

Non verbal - Recognition given through actions, touch and facial expressions

Direct- “I am proud of you my son”

Indirect – “I am so proud of my daughter”

Authentic – Recognition given honestly and with sincerity

Inauthentic- Recognition given that may be contradictory with the tone or content “that’s an interesting choice of hairstyle….”

Target- Recognition that moves you to tears.

Positive and negative strokes are defined by the intention of the person providing them, not how they are received.

Categories of strokes can be combined

Conditional Positive – “You did so well getting that promotion”

Conditional Negative – “You were awful today in that meeting”

Unconditional Positive - “You’re amazing”

Unconditional Negative – “You’re useless”

Stroke filters (Steiner 1971)

If strokes are not given regularly and freely within a family home, children may devise ways to solicit negative strokes, because negative strokes are better than none at all! (Think about the children who seek connection by doing things which adults find difficult to tolerate or relate to.) If children only hear negative strokes, they may become desensitised to the impact and believe that negative strokes are the only type available. What happens in our families of origin becomes normalised very quickly, so it is important to keep awareness of this.

What can happen when people are praised for “doing” rather than “being” ?

If children only receive strokes for what they do, this can include being in service of others, or academic results, they can learn that it only really matters how well they perform and that who they really are may go unnoticed. In adulthood, this can present as perfectionism and over-functioning, including workaholism.

With this in mind, receiving unconditional positive strokes is an important way to build our sense of self, because these identify who we are more generally as a person. Increasing these types of strokes within your family home and education setting can be a good way to stack the deck in terms of noticing who the child is, rather than what they do.

The Stroke Economy

As we grow, we will develop our own way of dealing with the strokes we give and receive based on our own tendencies and preferences. This is called the stroke economy and is a set of rules that can develop for how we give and receive strokes.

Don’t give strokes-

Due to the perceived and/ or real scarcity, it feels better to hold on to your strokes, rather than give them freely to other people.

Don’t ask for strokes-

If we have to ask for strokes, then they aren’t as valuable.

Don’t accept strokes-

Some people mistrust why the stroke has been given and can wonder if something is expected in return.  It can also be hard to receive strokes based on the beliefs we have about ourselves.

How many of us have responded with “it’s just clean” when someone says

“Oh your hair looks great!”

Or who has responded with “this old thing” when someone says “I love your coat”.

We can reject strokes by discounting, or “playing things down”, because owe feel discomfort when positive attention is given to us.

I wonder if you will begin to see the strokes you give to others now, or the ones that are given to you. Understanding these units of recognition can support our interpersonal relationships, which is crucial for our wellbeing and for staying connected.

Kelly Taylor

(4 minutes)

References:

Cornell, W.F., De Graaf, A., Newton, T., Thunnissen, M., (2016) Into TA- A comprehensive Textbook of Transactional Analysis. Karnac Books: London